Annie, Referee Little Webs and Andy look on before the start of the Mushroom Cup (Photograph: James Keys)

Challenge 2 - Mario Kart 64

Result: Andy 3 def. Annie 0
Location: 5o Lindon St
Referee: Patrick “Panda Bear” Weber
Attendance: 8 (Andy, Annie, Referee Little Webs, Michael, Morgs, Andy, Alana, Keys)

* * *

The Referee’s Report

So there we were, sitting on the balcony, when a tactically-late Annie decided to show her face.

“Kay, so do you wanna do this thing.”

“Yeah alright…”

*they sit down to play*

What..? No epic theme music. No crafty entrances. Nothing.

If I had invented this competition, it would’ve been all about theme music, flashy dancers and entrances with smoke and laser lights. However, this would be achieved with sacrifice to substance, actual knowledge of things, and it probably would’ve been about a 2-event deal due to current financial situations. But damn those two events would’ve been something to remember.

Anyway, it began with some technicalities. Both players wrote secretly which cup they would use their favoured character in. Andy chose Toad for the Flower Cup (#2) and Annie, stupidly chose Bowser, and even more stupidly chose the Star Cup (#3).

Andy was fueled by alcohol and raring to go. But he turned a slight shade of green when he drew his most hated character in the game Luigi for the first cup. Annie drew Wario, my personal favorite. Fuming about the character draw Andy was in complete disarray as the first track, Luigi Raceway, began.

The early tracks often rely on lucky items for victory and Luigi Raceway was no different, as a Super Star for Annie on the last lap just after the tunnel was enough to ensure an unlikely victory. Screams and cheers would’ve been heard in about Sydney as a confused Andy mused:

“I didn’t do anything wrong. What happened?”

Andy’s race craft in Moo Moo Farm was quite frankly awful and this enabled Annie to take her second victory. Andy finished 2nd again, giving her a 6-point lead. Meanwhile, Morgs was nearly banished outside for coaching. It looked as if - for once - Andy’s luck had run out.

But as is so often the case the “old” experienced head took over control again. He cruised to wins at Koopa Troopa Beach and Kalamari Desert, which would see a tied cup if Annie finished second in the final race. As it was, she couldn’t maintain it. Random computer driver DK proved to be the difference as Annie, cruising towards 2nd and an improbable share of the cup, was overtaken by the giant monkey  to hand Andy a 1-0 lead. It was incredible.

Andy celebrates as Annie commiserates (Photograph: James Keys)

Heading into the Flower Cup, Toad was pitted against the might of Mario. In the first track Annie and Mario were unable to stop Toad in his home highway and she slumped to a highly embarrassing 7th. Contrary to popular belief 7th is a far more embarrassing position than 8th, because it means you tried and didn’t simply get unlucky.

The result may have been influenced by some advice dished out by Keysy, when he suggested Annie fire a shell of the wall backwards while in first place, to try and hit Andy who was struggling in 4th. But Annie shot herself and crashed over the barrier, foolish beyond belief.

In the second race, Annie won a finish-line scramble to give her a ray of hope leading into Choco Mountain. In this game you just can’t compete with 12 years experience, knowledge and shell-firing madness. Andy was pinpoint with his green-shell accuracy and headed into the last corner in 1st looked a likely winner. Or should I say, likely to anyone who doesn’t know about the last corner Choco Mountain glitch.

He finished third. Annie however slumped to another finish without points. Andy couldn’t really lose, sitting 9 points (1 win) clear. Annie required some sort of miracle. I know first hand how hard Andy is to beat on Mario Raceway with Toad of all bitches. He won with Annie second behind him to take an unbeatable 2-0 lead and emerge victorious in the Mario Kart challenge.

Now, at the start I was critical of Annie’s choice of Bowser as her character and even more critical that she chose it for the Star Cup. As I assumed it turned out to be a dead rubber. Annie never got to use her best character for anything that mattered. Poor choice. Poor tactics. Poor idiot. I can’t really remember much about this cup except Andy won all 4 races and earned double butt-slap duties (see photos for further details).

In the end Annie fought valiantly but couldn’t mix it with a geezer who has played faaar to much Mario Kart in his life.

* * *

The Winner’s Report

I think it would be something of an understatement for me to say that Mario Kart did not turn out how I expected. Sure, I won the challenge. Sure, I won 3-0. Sure, I got that double butt-slap I wanted from Annie. But it really wasn’t as easy a win as the final score reflects.

Annie drove out of her skin. In the whole time of playing Mario Kart together - maybe 70-80 tracks in all - she had only beaten me three times. After two races she had blown that statistic out of the water, denying me with good item usage (finally she was smart enough to use Mushrooms to cut the track!) on her way to two clear victories. If the first was a fluke the second was just a matter of the better winning on the day, my “What can I do about that?” face is proof of how I felt.

What could I do to win that?! (Photograph: James Keys)

I should add at this point, not as an excuse but as a fact, that I was pretty drunk. A six-pack of beer in a couple of hours will cause problems for the best of us and although it wasn’t exactly preventing me from doing well the combination of intoxication and a little bit of scoreboard pressure was certainly affecting my decision during the game. Add to that the fact that I had drawn my most hated character, Luigi, and I wasn’t a happy chappy. I would say I was nervous going into the third track, Koopa Troopa Beach, but the first time since I’ve played Annie at Mario Kart the possibility of losing actually crossed my mind.

I need not have worried for long however, as all my previous experience and Annie’s lackthereof began to show. A final corner Star and Red-Shell combo in Koopa Troopa beach saw me close the gap to three points and a solid performance in Kalamari Desert effectively tied the cup. But Annie imploded, forgetting to powerslide on the final corner and seeing a certain second turn into third, a certain share of the mushroom cup turning to a runners-up medal. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

From then on it was something of a formality. With Toad in the second cup I was never going to lose. He helped me to 1st in his home track, Toad’s Turnpike, 2nd behind Annie (again!) in Frappe Snowland, 3rd in Choco Mountain and an ever-predictable 1st in my pet track, Mario Raceway. Annie could only manage 7th, 1st, 5th and 2nd and it meant a comprehensive 12-point win.

My biggest challenge during the second cup was the growing fear of paranoia I felt as the alcohol took held and the crowd relentlessly cheered on the underdog. In all my time as a human being on this planet I’ve never felt as unliked and *gulp* despised as I was during that second cup. It was like I had become Italy after knocking the Socceroos out of the last World Cup. I felt like crying.

The final cup was a little bit of a whitewash as I won every race and ensured I got to slap non-podium-finishing Annie on the butt twice. But the spectacle of this challenge was the Mushroom and Flower Cups and full credit to Annie, she really stepped up in this event. If she’d just held on against DK it could have been a very different story. 

But that’s life really - rarely do young upstarts make a mockery out of experienced heads. It’s a lesson that saw me throught this challenge and one that Arsene Wenger could think about to improve the Arsenal Football Club. Or something.

So I go to 2-0 and with Scattergories and Cooking up next it’s a position I needed to be in. Job done as far as I’m concerned.

* * *

The Loser’s Report

Wow - what an unexpectedly close contest.  The results don’t reflect how close it was.  Yes I lost 3 cups to nil, but I pulled out some amazing races there and that’s not just me puffing up my own performance.  There were witnesses who can attest to that including Andy’s own admission that he has “insane respect” for what I managed to achieve. 

Andy had smashed down a six-pack in less than two hours and was ready and raring to go by the time I got home. Referee Little Webs reticently laid out some rules for us and got the “sombrero of choice” ready for us to draw from.  I drew Wario for the first cup and Andy got his least-liked Luigi. 

I had nothing to lose and raced like there was no tomorrow.  As was pointed out in the preview post, I did have a win rate of 3% and at best come a consistent 2nd to Andy.  But in the challenge yesterday, I killed those first two races! 

In the first race, we were dead even for the most part with Luigi ahead if anything, but getting those insane mushie boosts to cut over the grass really helped me out.  I was finally bearing down on him and then in the home stretch, there I was with Luigi in my sights…but then out of nowhere got smashed with a shell!  As I and all my supporters were screaming in surprise and frustration and Wario was tumbling mid-air, I saw that Luigi had been struck with a shell too!  I was the first to recover and in absolute shock, zoomed past him for an unbelievable victory!! 

Annie can't hide her delight after winning the first track (Photograph: James Keys)

Moo Moo Farm was next.  I was amazing!  Luigi got smashed by a groundhog straight up and I zoomed past him and from that point on hardly made any errors, if none at all.  I was unstoppable and when I crossed the finish line first, Andy and I were both in total and utter shock.  Two in a row?!!  Completely unheard of!  It wasn’t even that Andy was racing badly because of his inebriated state - he was racing perfectly too, but for some reason the stars and planets were aligning in my favour.

Alas it was only a brief alignment… I came second in Koopa Troopa Beach and everything was looking like we were going to be tied at the end of the cup. All I needed to do was come second in the last race before we went to a tie breaker, but D.K. - bloody Donkey Kong, appeared out of thin air and just as I crossed the finish line, he somehow snuck over with me and the system decided that he had beat me to 2nd place by 1/100th of a second! And so D.K. denied me what would have been a sweet triumph…ie tieing with Andy, which is something that’s never occurred. 

It wouldn’t have mattered though I guess since Andy beat me in the next two cups.  In the second cup, I was still most definitely in contention.  Thanks to some heaven-sent stars, I flew by Andy/Toad to win Frappe Snowland in an epic race.  And in Andy’s pet track - Mario Raceway, which he has the record lap time for - I was a hair’s breadth away from 1st place! 

But it was not enough.  To win, Andy had to come 5th and I, 1st, in Mario Raceway which was not how it played out.  So unfortunately, it was not enough overall to award me my own cup and thus cause a tie.  The last cup was therefore unnecessary since he had won best of 3 by the end of the 2nd cup, but we played it anyway and it was still incredibly intense - I won’t bore you all with the details of each and every race, but let’s just say that some crucial errors were made on my part e.g. getting moronically stuck in corner on the last lap of Bowser’s castle after I had just whizzed past Andy and was well on my way to winning or falling into the water after that bane-of-my-life corner in Royal Raceway.  Boo.

So yes I lost that challenge as was predicted, but I am very content with how I played.  Putting a bit of fear and panic into Andy and earning his respect for my much-improved Mario Karting skills was satisfaction enough for me.

* * *

As I mentioned earlier, the next two challenges will be Scattergories (held at Alana & Morgs’ place on Wednesday night) and an Iron Chef-style Cooking competition at Annie and mine’s on Saturday. Stay tuned for further updates.

So it’s challenge number two tonight and that means two very similar, yet different tasks for Annie and I. Her task? To win at least two out of the first three cups on offer in Mario Kart 64. Mine? To do the same thing drunk. You heard me.

You see, an agreement was made between Annie and I that because she showed such good will in canceling the Geo Challenge event, I am going to try and beat her at my best event with a six-pack of the finest German beer under my belt. The theory is that it will level the playing field slightly, although my younger brother’s admission that he turned into some sort of unbeatable Mario Kart machine whilst playing under the influence at schoolies means it could in fact enhance my ability. As always, we’ll have to wait and see.

For those not familiar with tracks and characters in Mario Kart 64 I’m not even going to try and explain things. After all, what are you going to get out of knowing a guy with a massive toadstool for a head will be racing against a dinosaur-like reptile called Bowser on courses involving chocolate mountains and penguin-infested caves. It’s all a bit ridiculous, really.

In short, the rules for this challenge are as follows. We’re playing the first three cups (called Mushroom, Flower and Star) and the winner will be the one who manages two or more victories. The unique aspect of the challenge is that Annie and I are able to use our favoured driver in whichever track we choose while the four remaining drivers will be picked out of a hat at random. Just for the record her favoured driver is Bowser while mine is Toad.

And that’s all there is too it really, apart from the fact that I will be slightly inebriated during proceedings. The referee for this event will be the aforementioned schoolies Mario Kart champions Patrick “Panda Bear” Weber, whose expertise and knowledge of the ins and outs of the game will see any impulse pausing outlawed and victorious butt-slapping enforced. It’s all part of the game, after all.

The Mario Kart challenge will be hosted tonight at Annie and my place and at this stage we’ve got a respectable crowd of around 6 attending. Any more and it would be bedlam. Trust me on that.

Results to follow tomorrow.

Thoughts from the blue corner…

My pet event and I’ve arrogantly/stupidly/courageously/[insert word here] agreed to do it drunk. God, I’m a good guy. I just don’t know how I can live with it sometimes.

Despite the fact I’m going to be a little loose tonight I can’t see anything but a 3-0 victory. Earlier today Annie and I calculated that her race-win percentage was around 3% which means that mine is around 97%. 97%! That’s outrageously good, if I do say so myself. And even with a couple of drinks under my belt, the confidence that flows from a 97% win-ratio should be enough to see my through this.

Annie’s preferred driver is Bowser while mine is Toad. I can’t wait to win with that mushroom-headed git and rub it in Annie’s stupid face. Or something like that. Ahhh, what do I know? The challenge is only two hours away and I’m in the process of getting drunk. It’s probably best if you just ignore me…

Prediction: Andy 3 def. Annie. Alcohol-filled or non-alcohol-filled I am a Mario Kart champion and I will prove it.

Thoughts from the red corner…

Andy and I fired up the long-dormant N64 this morning and had one last practice run, and I lost every race.  I was directly behind him in almost every one, but coming second means nothing if he wins overall.  At least it’s not going to be a total blow out and I’ll give him a run for his money. 

But honestly, my back is up against it for this one.  Because of that, Andy has decided either very nobly or incredibly stupidly and arrogantly, to down a six-pack of beer before we race.  He most probably will still win - the drunken bastard - but at least it may give the illusion of a legitimate competitive race.  Must…crush…Toad.  I hate that noodle-armed bulbous-headed woo-hooing mushrooom freak.  Let’s go Bowser!!!

Prediction: Annie 2 def. Andy 1. Come on, I can’t predict that I’ll lose after all.

…or not.

Last night Annie and I were playing a pretty fierce game of Mario Kart. She had selected Mario as her driver while I was using Luigi and the following, very brief conversation ensued. I’ve included a photo to try and give you some semblance of the creature that I was dealing with at the time.

Annie: “Are Mario and Luigi brothers?”

Andy: “Yes. That’s why they’re called the Mario Brothers.”

And this is coming from someone who is completing a degree in Medicine. God help her future patients.

On a more serious note, be sure to check out Annie’s Player Profile from the last post.

OK so Annie has returned from the coast and I feel a little happier. Just a little.

We celebrated her return with a little bit of Mario Kart Racing and I have to reiterate again that I have this event well and truly in the bag. She’s a quick learner and certainly improved as the day went on but you can’t beat 10 years of shell-firing, power-sliding, track-memorising experience and unfortunately (for her) that’s what she’ll be up against.

However, it seems I have a lot less to be cocky about when it comes to Geo Challenge. For those of you who aren’t aware of Geo Challenge, it’s a Facebook application which tests your geography knowledge via questions about flags, country shape and city locations. Early on I was doing a bit better than Annie but since then she has been playing it practically every day and her score is now WAY ahead of mine.

Annie the Cheetah/Cheater

Now, although I can be arrogant I remain a just and fair person at heart and Annie’s consistent training at Geo Challenge has irked me. You see, we made a gentleman’s agreement aimed at kerbing addiction to the game which outlined that neither person was allowed to practice Geo Challenge until 24 hours before the time of official event.

Conveniently Annie “forgot” about this agreement and went ahead improving her score while I sat rooted on the same points. I had thought about taking up this gross injustice with one of the designated referees for the Tri-Decathlon but looking at the amount of events I’m sure to win, I’m happy to let her have this one.

And if she wins, I can just point out the fact that she’s a dirty, rotten cheat.

Avid readers of this blog - the kind of which I’m certain Annie and I just don’t have yet - will have noticed that things have gone a bit quiet lately.

The truth is that with Christmas and the turn of the year just passed Annie and I have spent little time together and even less time practicing for The Tri-Decathlon. Indeed, apart from endless amounts of Mario Kart Battle I’ve done virtually nothing. Not that it’s going to stop me from winning, of course.

She thinks she can beat Toad with Wario. What a fool.

JLT didn't like losing.

My best Toad impression.

Anyway, Annie is due to come back from the coast at some point in the near future so things should get a bit more serious soon. In the meantime, enjoy these photos of Alan Goat, Jacky Le Tigre and myself playing Mario Kart.

The visit of one Alan Goat (Alana) and the lingering presence of Panda Bear (Pat) at home meant that yesterday afternoon was filled with Mario Kart goodness. And as with tennis the other day, things are looking good.

Although the official Mario Kart event is about winning races we played some three-way Battle. It was pretty sweet.

From my memory we played 12 rounds and the final scores were 8-2-2 (Andy-Panda Bear-Alan Goat). Woo! Not entirely sure how Alana managed two wins when she was driving around as a Bomb Kart for most of the game but there you go.

My only disappointment was that I didn’t win any games with my beloved Toad. Sure, he’s not ideally suited to the Battle arena but it would have been nice to build up a bit of a confidence with the character I’m pinning my hopes for glory on. Alas, it was not to be.